Never Again: the Vicious Cycle

I. (Judgement)

The flaring sunlight floods my senses.
Exposed, ashamed,
I feel their eyes like pins and needles,
never blinking,
gouging every flaw...

Scrutiny that makes my skin crawl.

Flayed to the bone before them;
Will it ever be enough?
Lies sweet enough to sustain

futile hope.

I submit,
so I don’t feel so lost...

Will I ever be enough?



II. (Absence)

The air is stale, now.
Choking, suffocating,
words are forgotten in the struggle—
just to breathe,
just to remember.

This peace is a lie.

Footprints tell of His passing once
yet He clings to them—
swears by them.

Useless words.

Tears fall into dust.
Dust becomes quicksand.

I am left to claw my way out.



III. (Maelstrom)

Ozone crackling—
stabbing, desperate,
a tightening coil, paralysis.
It hardens into ice and blood freezes,
voice freezes,

I—

With terrible fury and trembling face,
lightning strikes,
searing.

Ice melts.

Walls crumble at my feet.
Something else is broken.

I am left to pick up the pieces.



IV. (Repair)

He finds me there
like broken pottery,
and collects my scattered fragments.
He is gentle, patient,
secure—

But these broken pieces don’t fit together.

No matter,
he says, no matter.
Pay it no mind.

And reverent fingers

trace gold my history
all over this shattered body.

And, knowing his beauty, I am whole.



V. (Resolve)

Still trapped—
grasping, squeezing—
shoulders tighten, spine stiffens,
accommodating the stress by rote:
this stubborn shade of torment.

But fickle clarity peals in a sudden, heady rush.

Tired muscles sag in wonder,
and, finally, I catch my breath;
the shade passes...

I declare: Never again.

defiant despite my fragility
amid winter’s bleak hemostasis

finally warm,
the flaring sunlight floods my senses.